


Joy Ride

by Gregora



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Angeal and Sephiroth are so done, Gen, Humor, Lazard contemplates his life choices, Rated high because of swearing, Zack and Ami are definite mischief makers, chase scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29414076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gregora/pseuds/Gregora
Summary: On the way back to the office from a mission together, Zack and Ami see a new and unusual Company vehicle, which happens to be unlocked with the key in its transmission. The two SOLDIERs decide to go on a joy ride through the Midgar Wastes.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Beyond the Veil





	Joy Ride

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own squat except for Ami. I’m just playing in Square-Enix’s sandbox, yo. 
> 
> Note: This is utter crack so it has no relevance to the plot of the main fic. I got inspired by this post on tumblr: [https://aimeelouart.tumblr.com/post/642483353462931456/cloud-strife-from-any-universe-comes-across-one]  
> And thought/knew that Ami would have just as much of a problem as Zack would.
> 
> Also I need to share the song I had on repeat during the main sequence: the Benny Hill theme.

Joy Ride

Sephiroth was mildly surprised to find that Director Lazard had specifically tapped just him and Angeal for a sudden assignment. Usually, assignments involved him and his mentee, or him as well as Angeal and Genesis. But never had it been both him and Angeal. This was a rather novel experience for him. He could tell that Angeal was surprised as well with just how the other man was standing.

“This is quite unusual for you to not include Genesis, sir,” Angeal stated with a slight frown.

“As I’m aware, but this situation requires just the two of you,” Lazard stated with a frown, “there has been an… incident.” The Director steepled his fingers in front of him as he regarded the two Firsts with some amusement and some amount of clear tiredness before continuing, “for an unknown reason, unbeknownst to me, someone decided to leave a prototype all terrain vehicle in the… less secured area of the parking complex. Furthermore, this individual left the doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition.”

Sephiroth could just see where this was going. Likely some idiot Third had decided that since it was there and it was clearly company property, it wouldn’t be too bad to take the vehicle for a spin. And they were the two highest ranking SOLDIER operatives Shinra had. 

“Seeing as how we’re speaking with you and the Turks aren’t involved, the individual who has taken it out for a spin is a SOLDIER and we’re to get the vehicle back and discipline the offender,” Angeal stated.

“I believe that the security footage taken from the parking complex should clarify the situation and explain why I’ve requested this to be handled by the two of you,” Lazard said before pressing some keys and the large screen against the wall showed the security feeds.

. : .

“I think you’re as bad as the General when it comes to riding,” Zack said in a slight complaining tone as he and Ami dismounted their bikes.

Ami hated the rules that said that Thirds couldn’t go on missions unless accompanied by at least one other SOLDIER of a higher class. Both of them had to tag team Angeal and Seph to allow them to work together on missions and after a lot of work and concessions, both of their mentors had agreed. And so, the two of them worked together and hung out. 

They were about to head towards the elevator, but something had caught Ami’s eye on the way to parking their bikes. Something new which looked entirely too awesome to pass up. Clearly, Zack had either noticed it too or was curious about what had gotten her eye since the Second was following behind her. Within moments, she was staring at it.

“Zack, does this look like a standard vehicle to you?” she asked as she took in the sight.

She practically salivated. It looked like a very armored dune buggy with tires large enough that even with her almost above average height, she would need to put some effort into climbing in. The vehicle looked like fun.

“Can’t say it does,” Zack said in clear awe, “but it looks like it could be fun.”

“Exactly what I’m thinking. It’s marked as a Company vehicle too,” she said, motioning to the license plate.

“Perhaps we can talk Seph into letting us take it for a spin?” Zack offered, his tone obviously hesitant as if he wasn’t entirely certain that would ever happen.

“Zack, it took us longer to wear him down than it did Angeal,” Ami said in a low tone, still grinning, “there’s a couple of phrases from where I come from which are completely applicable here: ‘sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than ask permission’ and ‘fortune favors the bold’.”

“You’re talking about stealing Company property,” Zack said in a tone that lacked any real emotion, clearly saying those words to ease some amount of honor and discipline that had rubbed off onto him from Angeal as she drew closer, checking to see if the doors were locked.

“One, I’m **borrowing** Company property. ‘Stealing’ implies that I don’t intend to return it. Two, it would be funny if Company property could get in trouble for borrowing Company property without permission,” Ami said with a wide grin as the door popped open, “Score! The keys are in the ignition!”

“Twist my arm, why don’tcha?” Zack asked with a wide grin as he popped open the passenger side door.

“Oh, yes. Like I had to put any effort into doing so,” Ami deadpanned as she leaped into the driver’s seat.

“Get the feeling that we’re gonna get in trouble?” Zack asked as he closed his door and buckled in.

“Always,” Ami responded with a grin as she did the same.

“You do know that Seph and Angeal are **so** gonna kill us,” Zack said, almost worried if not for the clear excitement in his voice as she turned the key in the ignition and the vehicle purred to life.

“That’s a problem for later us. For now, let’s ride!” Ami exclaimed as she slammed the vehicle in reverse, went to almost thirty in reverse, slammed it into first gear and thundered out of the parking complex, easily going from zero to “almost too fast for the speed bumps” in a matter of a second.

. : .

Angeal was not surprised. He really wasn’t. Both mentees were almost legendary for their capacity for recklessness, the main reason he and Seph had resisted allowing the two mentees to go off on missions together. Especially after he had noticed that those two easily reached the same wavelength whenever they felt relaxed. And both had the same propensity for causing mischief. After all, Seph had insisted that the plan to sneak into Hojo’s lab and office and leave gifts for the mad scientist was wholly Ami’s idea. 

Just like how taking a prototype all terrain vehicle on a joy ride was obviously her idea. Zack had obviously decided to go along with the idea. 

All he could do for the moment was rub his face with a groan as he started to think.

“It appears that my mentee may be a bad influence on yours,” Seph stated calmly, “I intend to keep her on a short leash for the foreseeable future.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely the case, Seph. He chose to tag along,” he responded to his friend with one of his tired sighs before looking towards Lazard, “we’ll take up the mission. Do you know where they’re currently at?”

“The tracker on the vehicle has them in the Wastes. Mostly going in circles of various radii,” Lazard responded with a slight hitch in a corner of his mouth.

“Let’s go,” Seph stated.

. : .

“It’s **my** turn!” Zack exclaimed as the vehicle jostled wildly as it sped through some of the roughest terrain known on Gaia, reaching towards the steering wheel.

Ami removed her right hand from the steering wheel to swat at the Second’s gloved hands, shouting, “no! It’s **still** my turn! Your last turn took longer than mine!”

“Nuhh-uhh!” Zack exclaimed as the vehicle felt like it was launched in the air after a rather large bump before the tires slammed into the ground, causing the cab to jostle sharply, trying to fight off Ami’s attempts to swat at his hands.

“Yeah-huh!” Ami exclaimed defensively, trying to shove Zack away from getting too close to the wheel as she had to put both hands on the wheel to make a tight right hand turn to avoid a rock formation, which had the intended effect of causing Zack to lean away from the wheel.

“Oh shit!” she heard Zack shout, “On our six!”

She glanced into the rear view mirror, seeing clouds of dust rising from behind them and steadily gaining. 

_‘Pull over,’_ she heard a baritone voice say in a commanding tone in her head and she swore under her breath.

Ami had no idea what came over, whether it was her inner child, an inner portion of her rebellious teenage self, or if she was under the control of something else, but she slammed the connection shut in the equivalent of Sephiroth’s face and threw the vehicle into second gear. The vehicle jolted forward with the increase in speed as she turned tightly, weaving between some very close rock formations in order to give their pursuers a good chase as the clouds of dust disappeared behind the rock formations they’d passed.

“I think one of them’s Angeal!” Zack shouted as the cab jostled over the rough terrain.

“Wouldn’t surprise me!” Ami shouted back as she weaved through more tight corners, “think Director Lazard would sic our mentors on us?”

“We are so, so dead!” Zack shouted as Ami swore that the turn was tight enough that only the right hand side wheels were touching the ground before the left hand side wheels slammed into the ground.

“Not right now, we ain’t!” Ami shouted, “Still want your turn?”

“Hell no! I’ll let **you** die first!” Zack exclaimed as their heads became well acquainted with the ceiling of the cab yet again.

The wastes flattened out a bit in front of them, becoming more of a very uneven, rocky plain as she ran a loose and gradual left hand turn. A minute into the slight course change, she saw the two dust clouds emerge from the curtain of rocky outcroppings, much closer this time. The sources of the dust clouds had split up on either side of where the vehicle had emerged from the curtain of rocky outcroppings. They were close enough that she recognized that they were on motorcycles as well as their builds and uniforms.

“What the hell are you doing, Ami?!” Zack practically screamed.

“Wringing all of the fun I can while I can!” Ami shouted back as she slammed the vehicle into third gear.

The vehicle may as well leaped forward, momentarily losing contact with the ground as the engine roared louder and the two SOLDIERs were definitely feeling the effects of just how fast they were going as the two motorcycles stopped gaining on them. She could see Zack gripping the little bit of dashboard in front of him as she heard him stomp on the floor. She merely laughed loudly as the vehicle left the ground again. 

“Seph’s motioning something at Angeal! I think this is going to be our last day on Gaia!” Zack shouted.

“We’re not gonna die, Zack!” she shouted back, “we’ll just wish we were dead.”

“Angeal’s breaking off!”

“Shit!” she shouted as she could see that Angeal was trying to come up on their right, causing her to make a sharp right turn.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Zack almost screeched.

“I’m not done yet!” she shouted back.

She wasn’t entirely certain of her sanity in that moment, either as the wheels on her side left the ground before once again slamming down as they were now on a collision course with Angeal.

“What the!” Zack shouted, now leaning towards her again, reaching for the steering wheel, “I’m not gonna let you run over Angeal!”

“We won’t unless you keep this up!” she shouted back, trying to shove the Second away.

She waited until the last possible second before she broke off from the collision course, turning left just enough that Angeal practically brushed by. 

“You nearly hit him!” Zack shouted, punching her right shoulder hard enough for her to feel as if the whole arm tingled.

“But I didn’t!” she shouted back, “and he knew it!”

“This is the last time I’m ever going to ride with you driving!” Zack shouted, “you’re insane!”

“I’m having fun!” she shouted, seeing in the mirror that their mentors had changed direction to follow them.

She opened the mental connection she shared with Sephiroth, immediately getting the full force of his ire and displeasure, hitting her with the same force as if a brick wall had suddenly materialized in front of the vehicle. _‘We’re heading back to Midgar, okay? I’ll park the vehicle exactly where I found it, even.’_

_ ‘You better. If you do anything that leads me to believe otherwise, we will overtake the vehicle and remove you from it, any means necessary. Even if it leads to you getting injured.’ _

_ ‘Understood.’ _

_ ‘We will have words about your misconduct.’ _

. : .

Zack didn’t know what was worse - Ami’s sheer indifference regarding just how dead they were - how could she be grinning like a maniac at a time like this? Did she completely lose her mind? - or the silent treatment they were receiving from two of the highest rated SOLDIERs as they were wordlessly directed to sit in the chairs by way of Angeal shoving them onto said chairs. 

The General merely glared at the two of them from his position sitting behind his desk, his hands intertwined together. He could make out an index finger tapping against the opposite hand at the pace that made it seem like the silver haired man was keeping track of seconds passing. The only sign he had of how much the General was pissed was from how much the man’s eyes glowed. 

Angeal stood behind the desk, off to Sephiroth’s side and a bit behind the clearly furious General. The bulkier man was clearly displeased by the deep frown and severe glare he was levelling on the two mentees.

And sitting right next to him was a grinning Ami. He couldn’t believe how she didn’t seem to care how deep in trouble they were. If anything, she looked completely pleased with herself as she practically lounged in the chair.

And all he wanted to do was disappear. Or for either Angeal or Sephiroth to just end his misery already. He couldn’t even make eye contact with either First. 

“Zack, how much were you involved?” Angeal finally asked, his voice severe but quiet.

“I had a few turns driving,” Zack admitted quietly, giving his mentor a hopeful look before pointing at Ami, “she was the one who nearly ran you over, Angeal! The whole chase was her! I wanted us to stop and surrender!”

“You still were party to the theft of Company property, Zack. You even admitted to having been behind the wheel. As a Second, you were supposed to keep her in line. And you failed my expectations. I’ve been trying to teach you about honor and discipline, yet where were my lessons when, instead of keeping a single Third in line, you followed along with her idiotic idea?”

He couldn’t help but to bow his head more in shame as he heard a crash from next to him. He gave a glance over, seeing that the chair had fallen backwards. He let out a sigh of frustration as he heard her get to her feet and set her chair back in place before sitting back down into her seat.

“SOLDIER Third Class Anderson, you will treat this conversation with all due seriousness, respect, and decorum,” Sephiroth commanded, his voice very low and very threatening, speaking for the first time since he and Ami had left the vehicle.

“Just waiting my turn, sir,” she stated lightly.

“All four feet on the floor, Anderson,” Sephiroth practically growled.

“Yes, sir,” she said.

“Your feet as well, Anderson,” Sephiroth growled after a moment. He paused again before adding, “and sit up properly. And wipe that grin off your face.”

“Sorry sir. I had too much fun so I can’t help it, sir,” Ami stated.

“We’ll see how much fun you’ll ever have after this, Anderson.”

“I’m not expecting to have any for a while, sir.”

“A very, **very** long while.”

“As I expected, sir.”

Silence descended upon the room again, smothering him. He couldn’t help but to wonder if Ami had a death wish, was a complete idiot, or just lacked any self-preservation instincts. He doubted that Sephiroth would have tolerated her this long if she was a complete idiot. So either she had a death wish or she just didn’t care about her own life.

“What do you have to say for yourself, SOLDIER Second Class Fair?” Sephiroth asked, almost hissing at him.

“I’m never going to be in the same vehicle if she’s driving, sirs,” Zack stated quietly, still unable to meet the two mako fueled glares he was being given, “I acknowledge that I’ve royally screwed up. I accept any and all punishment you give me for this. Please don’t kill me?”

The room surrendered to silence again as he felt like the Firsts had focused their glares elsewhere. 

“Do you recall the previous time you’ve done something like this or did you experience a lapse in memory?” Sephiroth asked, his voice an icy calm.

He heard her take a deep breath before quietly saying, “I recall, sir.”

“Do you really? I seem to recall telling you that I won’t tolerate any further episodes. And here you are, having stolen Company property, just so you could go on a joy ride. Clearly, you failed to learn your lesson the first time around. It’s obvious that I must take more extreme measures to ensure that this is the last time we have to have this discussion.”

Zack glanced over to Ami, whose expression now a mask of outright terror as she turned completely pale. He could even tell that she was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm while her breathing was definitely elevated. There was silence as Sephiroth unclasped his hands to pick up two neat and stapled stacks of paper, one on each hand.

“Can either of you tell me what these are?” Sephiroth asked, handing each of them a stack of paper.

Zack accepted the stack and took a look at the cover page. His eyes widened at what he saw. He quickly leafed through in disbelief.

“This is… I’m being promoted?” Zack asked, looking between the two Firsts in shock, making their eyes for the first time since leaving the vehicle.

“You **were** ,” Angeal said with a frown.

“If not for your actions today, I would have sent these on to Director Lazard by the end of this week,” Sephiroth stated. 

“Really, sirs?” Zack asked, completely shaken by the revelation and the task he was being given.

“Your actions prove that neither of you are ready at this time,” Angeal stated.

Which meant that he was never going to make First, just not as soon as he could have. The fact that he’d nearly got the recommendation meant a lot to him. But he couldn’t find it in him to fully blame Ami. After all, she hadn’t forced him into anything. It had been his own idea to join her. It was his own mistake, his own fault.

“I really screwed up, huh?”

“Just now coming to terms with it, Zack?” Angeal asked with a slight edge of humor creeping in as Ami woodenly moved and returned her stack of papers back to Sephiroth.

Once the stack was firmly in the General’s grasp, he tore the whole stack in half twice and dropped the torn papers into the wastebasket next to his desk without any trace of emotion, barely tearing his cold mako fueled glare from his mentee. When the General’s glare moved to him, he knew it was his turn. Sephiroth did the same to Zack’s stack of paperwork as well.

“I shall leave the rest of SOLDIER Second Class Fair’s discipline for you to determine, Angeal,” Sephiroth said quietly, obviously dismissing the pair.

. : .

“I will not enjoy this, but you leave me little choice,” Sephiroth said quietly as he stood up.

Ami knew that the words meant that she was going to regret everything she’d done that afternoon. Sephiroth had completely severed their mental connection and kept her from forming connections with him, which didn’t make her feel any better. 

. : : .

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: 2/13/21
> 
> I ended it there simply because my mind was going too dark for the crack and really, the main scene I wanted the focus on was the chase scene. I died laughing the whole time I wrote the joy ride and the chase scenes. I enjoyed their banter the whole time, especially once Zack no longer wants the joy ride to continue. Also, this is the first chase sequence I've ever written.
> 
> Laters!  
> ~Gregora


End file.
